Wednesday, December 21, 2011

So we are 4 days away from Christmas and I have but a gift card to purchase for my aunt and some dog treats for Lily.  I do have to wrap everything up, I haven't done any of that yet.  Jeff has wrapped the gifts he's bought but I haven't done the ones I was in charge of buying.

Looking forward to having next week off.  Jeff works next Wednesday so I'll take him to work and then head over to my mom's to wait out a couple of hours to give him his insulin shot.  Then I have a much needed appointment with my doctor.  I've decided that I can't let myself suffer any longer.  I cry too easily, I worry, I over analyze, I'm critical of myself, negative of myself, some days I long to just "not be here", although I would never get to that point where I'd do something, some days I just wish I wasn't around and life would be much more simple.  So enough of the hiding and avoiding and feeling generally like crap all the time.  I need help.  I also did something rediculous and immature and stupid on Monday night.  Had a temper tantrum, full blow tears (til midnight, I might add) ...and needless to say I got frustrated and I smoked my leg.  Well 3 bruises later and a cut that I just noticed last night in the shower that hurts like hell.  I used to cut over 10 years ago but I guess that I still self harm, even though it may not be cutting.

I never implied or pretended to be perfect, I'm far from it, but my goodness, I don't think Jeff ever bargained for this.  I have so much baggage and for whatever reason I can't let shit go or I just hold on to all the old feelings that add to the negativity that just seems so deeply ingrained in my mind, body and soul.  I think one of my yoga teachers said it best and it was like music to my ears.  It was something along the lines of how deeply did I love today?  How deeply did I let go?  And that's just it: Let go. Let it all go.  And remember, when someone has something to say or advice or anything like that, take it at face value - it relates to that one isolated event and shouldn't be lumped into the category of "I always" or I never" and generalising.

Every day is a new day, Rome wasn't built over night, I know it takes time but dammit I want results now, that's just my personality.  I want to be better, I want to be whole-heartedly happy and full.  I do believe I have that in me, I just need to learn to stop taking everything so personally and like the entire world is against me.

Anyways, I have to go.  I'll write tomorrow.  Much love! xo

Monday, December 12, 2011

Thirteen days until Christmas!!  I haven't bought one gift yet but my the end of this upcoming weekend, it'll be all done and I'll just have to worry about wrapping it all. 

Instead of writing, I'll just post some pictures :)

Monday, December 5, 2011

So I finally got our Christmas Tree up.  After not feeling it for the past week or two, discussing it with Jeff thinking that he doesn't care about that sort of thing or ANY of the little things that I do (only for him to tell me, Yes, he does in fact like the little details and things that I do that I think he doesn't notice), so I finally put it up between Saturday night and Sunday. 

Friday night wasn't too bad, didn't get up to too much.  I think I came home and started organizing some things (what else is new these days! lol).  Some friends came over Friday night.  Saturday morning I woke up and showered, got the dogs read and brushed for their outting to Aurora at Buddy's Kitchen.  I went on my own so that Jeff could wake up and freshen up and be ready for me to get him to go to Costco when I returned.  I spent about an hour and a half in Aurora with the dogs, they both got their pictures taken, some with just them, individually, and a couple with me and them in. After got them some treats, they said hello's to others that were there, but most importantly, to Dina, who just got herself a part time weekend job there.  Couldn't think of a better place to work, nevermind watch the hours fly by because you're getting to meet all these lovely furries that walk in the door. 

Afterwards, took the kids home, it was a nice day.  Fetched Jeff and we went off the Costco where we spent an obscene amount of money, mainly on meats, but a couple of other things that we needed.  Walked out spending $150 then went and got gas (anywhere from 3-7 cents cheaper than everywhere else - cool eh?!?).  Went home, put it all away, re-organized the pantry and chest freezer to accomodate.  Jeff now says that our cupboards, fridge and freezers are full and we don't look poor anymore.  I laughed, we weren't poor, I'm just not a fan of filling a fridge to a brim only to have to throw most of it out because it's gone bad on you.  So I'm experimenting with grocery shopping for the month of December and seeing how it works out, if we save money and if it's worth continuing.  I think I'll play it out for January and quite possibly February to see if it works, only for the simple reason that December is a 5 week month but it's also a holiday month and quite hectic.

Saturday night, Greg came by, I continued to putter in my non-smoking state.  By the way, I'm on day 22 of being smoke free.

Sunday, we didn't get up to too much.  I woke up wide awake just after 4 am, and Jeff somewhere just before 5 am.  It was so bizarre.  So we eventually fell back asleep around 6 and I was back up around 8:30 again.  I finished up the last bit of our groceries that we needed, Jeff started a roast in the slow cooker and I finished putting the tree together while he went to go get Bruce for dinner.  As you can see from the picture, every year, because of the dogs, I have to put up this wire pen fence so that they don't pluck the ornaments and chew them.  That would not be a good thing.  So here it is.  This is what I'd like to call the "viewing area" of the Christmas Tree.  Perhaps when the boys are seniors, only then will they leave the tree alone. LOL

Not to busy of a weekend but it's clearly December - it takes a half hour just to get anywhere in town.

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