As much as I've come out of my shell in the last decade, parts of me are still painfully awkward, I don't like huge crowds, I still dont get along with most of the female race and I feel like people go out of their way to exclude me. I've never been included or the first person picked for anything team related, let's be honest here, but it just really hurts when you try so hard and it's all for nothing and I just end up feeling alone and awkward.

I don't need anyone's acceptance or pity but it sure would be nice to have a nice girl friend that I can depend on and the feelings are mutual instead of one sided friendships that leave me feeling used and abused. I'm not even going to post pictures from the shower on Sunday because I just look like I'm photo bombing groups of people to be included in their photos. It's kinda sad.

And so sadness, feeling stupid and pissed off have been the themes today. And of course, to add the cherry on top, I woke up and started arguing with J about going to bed early. We haven't argued in MONTHS so it's uncanny we are now out of the blue. And our anniversary is this Saturday. Yippee! I just haven't been this down on myself and low in a really long time..... Days like this I want to crawl into a hole and not emerge for a long, long time. It's days like these where I'm just on a roll with my negativity.... That I'm not good enough, I'm adequate, that I bring no good qualities to the table, that I'm a piece of shit. It's days like this I want to throw away my more than 2.5 year absintence from nicotine and just smoke and smoke until I feel better (psychologically, not physically, of course). Cue the deep sigh.......

Tomorrow is a new day and will be better.